How I Met Your Father by Dan Howell
by XxUnwrittenxX
Summary: JelloProdigy made a "12 Characters Meme" on her page. The idea popped up. So yeah. Also she thought that I should write it. I'm so sorry. "Dan recalls how he met his kids' father, and along the way, provides witty commentary and explains the meaning of life and love. Also, Toby fucking Turner." Dan/Marzia, Toby/Marzia, Dan/Ryan Higa, Dan/Cry, Cry/Pewds, Dan/Phil, Dan/Ian.


_"Dan and Marzia are in a happy relationship until Marzia suddenly runs off with Toby. Dan, broken-hearted, has a hot one-night stand with Ryan and a brief unhappy affair with Cry, then follows the wise advice of Mari and finds true love with Ian."  
**What title would you give this fic?** 'How I met your Father, by Dan Howell'  
**Name three people on your friends list who might read it.** Are you kidding? EVERYONE WOULD READ IT! And by everyone, I of course mean no one.  
**Name one person who should write it.** First of all, no one, but if I had to chose... XxUnwrittenxX (insert evil chuckle here)._

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**A/N: Thank you, JelloProdigy. I would be happy to.**

**Title: How I Met Your Father by Dan Howell  
Pairings: Dan/Marzia, Marzia/Toby, Dan/Ryan, Dan/Cry, Cry/PewDiePie, Dan/Phil, Dan/Ian (DAN YOU SLUT!)  
****Rating: T (language & stuff)  
Warnings: Slutty Dan, major yaoi, NO CANON WHATSOEVER.  
Summary: (see above)**

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How I Met Your Father: A Memoir by Dan Howell**  
**

You may not believe this, but I had a girlfriend once. She was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous, and she was Italian. Her name was Marzia, and we were so happy together. We had met as kids in school, when she moved to learn English. From the first moment I saw her, I knew that she had to be mine. And she was. We dated for about 2 years, and we were really happy together.

That is, until Toby fucking Turner showed up.

Curly brown hair, green eyes, mother of fuck, he was adorable. (Oh shut up, this isn't your dad.) And he also had eyes for the very lovely Marzia. (See? I told you this isn't your dad.) She was mesmerized by the green, probably. That and he was probably a lot better looking than me when it came to the eyes of females. Which is total bull, by the way. I thought that I was decent enough for a beautiful foreign lady, but noooo. Fate sucked Toby's balls and then boom, Marzia is instantly undressing him with her eyes.

Sorry, I'm getting way off-topic here.

But yes, sadly, Daddy did not get the pretty Italian girl of his teenage British dreams that usually involved some form of sexual relations. Marzia broke up with me soon after Toby first showed up. And guess who the little man-slut began dating the next day?

That is correct, children. Marzia.

So, by this point, I was completely broken and upset. My only comfort was the YouTube videos of a lovely man named Ian Hecox, and his emo-haired friend Anthony. (Anthony isn't particularly important, I just thought you'd like to know that.) They were the only people that could make me smile during this trying time, and I loved them for it. They made me happy, and so I decided to try my luck and go to America so I could get a fresh start.

Now, imagine it, kids. Me, in California for the first time.

"WHOOP! CALI, BITCHESSSS! AWWW YEAHHHH!"

That's exactly how I would describe it.

So I started to go to school there in hopes that America would be this amazing place for me to start my life up again with no worries as to who to be in love with and where to go.

That is, until Toby fucking Turner showed up again.

Yep. Turns out that he lived in California, also, apparently, working on YouTube. And he brought Marzia! Yay, fun. So fun I wanted to make myself vomit all over her and him in their adorable little kissy pictures and cutesy videos. I still really hadn't gotten over the whole "Marzia's a backstabbing little ho" phase.

So, Daddy experienced his first heartbreak!

"Dan, it's not that I didn't like you. It's just that I didn't see our relationship going any further," she told me. All the while, Toby was in the background with a cocky grin on his face and air-humping in Marzia's direction.

"Really? Because I did. I thought that we were perfect together. I thought that we were going to get married! I thought that you and I were the best couple that ever was. But you know what? I'm happy for you and Toby. You deserve a complete ass," I replied.

Daddy could have said a lot of other things, but I chose not to, because Marzia was relatively innocent.

Over the course of my life in California, I met lots of other people. I met a nice guy named Ryan Higa that became a good friend of mine. I also got insanely wasted the night that Marzia announced that she and Toby were engaged.

You can only imagine what happened after that.

That's right. Daddy had a drunken one-night stand with his friend Ryan. I admit, he was cute, but I never really thought of him in any way like that. I just wanted to be his friend. I suppose that we were a LOT more than friends that night, but he never mentioned it again, and to this day, we're still friends. Although I can't really ever look at him the same way ever again knowing that he's been inside of me.

But Ryan isn't your father. Oh no. If he was, Daddy would be in a committed relationship with him. Besides, guys can't get other guys pregnant.

I know that there was one guy that got pregnant, but he had a sex change and was a woman before, so that doesn't apply to the current situation and I strongly suggest you just forget about everything that has to do with the rules of guy-guy mating all together.

But then Ryan suggested to me that I meet this guy he was friends with. His name was... actually, I don't even know what his actual name was, but for all intensive purposes, we'll use the name he gave me. "Cryaotic." Poetic enough. He was polite, cute, and insanely funny. He made me happy, but not for very long.

"Cry" was a sweet enough guy, but he was always obsessing over this guy named Felix.

I can understand why, I mean, Felix was funny, and he was good-looking. And he and "Cry" were always talking and laughing and playing video games. I knew that "Cry" would never love me as much as he loved Felix, but I still hoped that one day, "Cry" would realize that he actually had a boyfriend that loved him more than Felix did.

This wasn't the case.

We kept dating, but only because he was always pretty busy and I didn't really have much time to even break up with him anyway. I started to get depressed, for long periods of time. "Cry" was always playing video games or talking to Felix, and I never really even understood why he bothered to try and make time with me. "Cry" didn't love me, after all.

Watching Ian and Anthony made me feel a lot better. I laughed for hours on end watching their videos. They were my idols. I wanted to be just as funny as they were.

So that's why I began "Danisnotonfire." Yep. That's why I did it.

"Cry" didn't know about it, but I began making YouTube videos, just like he did as well as basically all of my friends. I made a lot of comedy videos, and eventually, I decided that I wanted to move back to Europe. It was a bold decision, so I told "Cry" and he got upset. He wanted me to stay. Believe it or not, it turns out that "Cry" actually loved me.

I told him that I loved him too, but he wasn't in love with me. He was in love with Felix, and I told him to stop denying his feelings.

"Cry" kissed me for the first time that night. He was happy that he didn't have to hide anymore, and he was sad that I was leaving. But I helped him find out who he really was. I think that I loved him a little more when he didn't love me back. But "Cry" isn't your dad. Oh no. Why would I trust a man whose name I never found out to raise kids with me while he was making goo-goo eyes at some random Swede?

Daddy doesn't roll that way.

So I moved back and kept making YouTube videos. I met a nice guy named Phil, and he helped me make YouTube videos. He was very kind, and very cute. I liked him almost immediately. He had a gorgeous smile, and he made me so happy. I decided that I really liked Phil, in a romantic way.

Phil made my days brighter. He was the person I desperately needed to keep my life happy and bright. We grew as YouTube stars and fans even began to think that we were in a romantic relationship. I told Phil about it, and he just blushed, which made me think that maybe he felt the same way that I did.

One night, as we were celebrating the fact that I had reached 500,000 subscribers on YouTube, he kissed me.

I didn't really know what to think or say or do. I was so elated yet so confused. I couldn't decide whether the kiss was amazing or scary as hell. I had never really given much thought to ever making a move on Phil, and here he was, kissing me like there was no tomorrow, just going for it. He had balls.

Ew, I didn't mean it that way. I mean, he DID have that kind of balls as well, but... you get what I mean.

When Phil broke the kiss, I had finally decided that I liked it, and I told him how long I had been waiting for him to do that. He smiled that winning smile and kissed me again, this time more confidently.

We went on with our relationship for 3 years. We adopted you guys, and that's when everything fell apart.

You see, it's not because of you. It's because Phil decided that we should tell our subscribers. I wasn't that open to the idea of openly admitting that we were in a relationship and we had kids. I had started having second thoughts on the whole "marriage" thing as well, because something about Phil made me feel like we weren't meant to ever be in a romantic relationship.

That's when he broke up with me.

So Phil is your other dad, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only father that you'll ever need.

Case closed. End of story.

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**ONE WEEK LATER**

Okay, I read my last memoir and I noticed something really weird. I mentioned Ian Hecox quite a lot.

That's not that weird, is it?

You told me that I mentioned Ian a lot, but I didn't listen to you because you sounded an awful lot like the fangirls of Phil and I back when we were young and not yet in love, only with me and Ian.

Let me tell you this. I have never met Ian Hecox. I only watched his videos because they made me happy, and I may or may not have fallen in love with his blue eyes.

Okay. Let me rephrase this. You are absolutely right and I am totally in love with Ian Hecox.

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**5 MONTHS LATER**

You win.

So a week after I last wrote, you surprised me with a ticket to California to meet Ian Hecox. (On a side note, I hope that this came out of your personal paychecks and not mine, because I need that money for you little shits.)

I flew there just so you would be happy and never bother me with the fact that I never got to meet the guy of my dreams.

Well, it turns out that I actually met Ian Hecox. I know, crazy, right?

I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when suddenly, a wild Ian Hecox appears! (You're too young to understand, but believe me when I say that 10 or so years ago, you would've found that joke to be hilarious.) He smiled at me, and said, "Hi. Are you Dan Howell?" He sounded excited.

I nodded and said, "Yeah, and you're Ian Hecox?" He nodded and put out a hand for me to shake.

"Anthony and I are huge fans of your videos. We think that you're really hilarious."

At that moment, if I would've been stricken dead, I wouldn't have given a damn. I could've died happy right there and then.

"Are you serious? Because I'm a really big fan of YOU as well!" I replied, shaking his hand. It felt just like I dreamt it would.

Wait, what? Daddy's not being weird or anything...

"That's awesome! Hey, um, are you... staying in California for very long?" he asked. I nodded and his eyes lit up. "Great! Um, if you don't mind, would you want to... go out for dinner sometime, and talk, or something?"

My heart literally stopped beating for a while. I know that I should've just kept my composure and said, "That would be lovely, thank you for asking, love of my life." But I really couldn't.

"Dammit," he said, facepalming. "I suck at this. Um... do you... want to go on a date... with me...?"

Holy fucking shit. You sly devils just scored me a date with Ian fucking Hecox.

"Yeah, s-sure!" I said, smiling. "When?"

"How about tonight at 7, at the Cheesecake Factory?" he asked. He was really polite and cute and holy mother of God he was adorable.

"Sounds great! See you then, I guess."

Ian nodded and began to walk away.

I couldn't believe that my own kids secured me a date with the man of my dreams.

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That night at 7, I was sitting at a table, waiting for my date, in some casual clothes. He never specified if the whole thing was official or if he just wanted to be casual, so I just threw on some comfortable clothes. I know, I'm such a girl. When Ian showed up, however, he was wearing some more formal attire.

It took all of my being not to burst out saying "huminahuminahumina" over and over again.

"Oh. Shit. Now I look dumb," he said, chuckling and sitting down. He set his hand down on the table and sighed.

"No, honestly, you look good. I'M the one that looks dumb," I reassured him. He smiled and I noticed that my hand was inching towards his. I smiled as I felt his hand underneath mine.

Ian began to blush and I said, "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter, as long as we're together, right?"

He nodded and we sat there like that for almost the entire evening.

Okay, this is turning into a cheesy fanfiction, so I'm just going to cut to the chase here.

That night, when he pulled up to the hotel I was staying at, he kissed me for the first time. It was a lot better than Phil's kisses, and I knew that in that moment, Ian and I were meant to be.

I couldn't stop smiling afterward, and then I asked him, "Do you want to go out again? Sometime?"

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Which brings us to right now. Even though we've only been together for 5 or 6 months, I feel like Ian is the perfect person for me. I know that he isn't your father and he never will be your actual father, but... you've been so nice to him.

Just don't fuck this up for me or else Daddy will disown you.

I have the ring right here and Ian is coming in 15 minutes for dinner. You know exactly what I'm planning to do, and I sense that you're okay with me asking him to marry me. Everything is coming up Dan.

So thank you, Toby Turner, for ruining my life with Marzia. Thank you, Marzia, for ruining my life with you as well. Thank you, Ryan, for sleeping with me while you were drunk off your ass and introducing me to "Cry." Thank you, Cry, for loving Felix and allowing me to go back to England, and for just being the best friend that anyone could ever ask for. Hope things are going well for you and Felix. You're married now, right?

Thank you to Phil for just being there and loving me once, so that I can have my beautiful kids. Thank you to you guys, for finally making me realize that I'm meant to be with Ian.

And that, kids, is how I met your father.

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**HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I am so happy that's finished.**

**Truth be told, I started to fall in love with the idea of Dan/Ian as the story progressed. What would their ship name be? Dian? Danian? Whatever. They're beautiful.**

**Thank you to JelloProdigy for the lovely idea, as well as the dare for me to do this. FOR YOU.**

**Goodbye, reviewer party! :)**


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